Monthly Archives: May 2018


I’m often asked by clients how to find the motivation to begin or continue on a path that leads to a positive change in their lives. While I have a few suggestions for them, it’s always been difficult for me to know exactly how to help them. The way I look at it, motivation comes from the outside. If you’re looking for something to motivate you, you can probably find it for short-term success. For example, maybe an upcoming class reunion will give you the incentive to lose those few extra pounds.

But if you’re wanting long-term change, I believe what you need to find is inspiration. Inspiration comes from within. This may be a difficult concept – that you can inspire yourself to make a change. Most of us have unchecked continual intellectual violence going on inside our heads – all those negative thoughts or memes we have entertained for years. Most of us will have the same negative thoughts today that we had yesterday and last year and for years before that. Those are the memes (mind viruses) we’ve learned from our parents or society. Like any other virus, they are successful in doing their jobs – duplicating themselves while we feel worse and worse about ourselves. (See Mind Virus by Richard Brodie). That is unless we become conscious that we don’t have to believe everything we think! There is an antidote.

If you want to change something, you first have to determine what the core negative belief about yourself is around the situation, because that’s what drives your emotions and behaviors. (Examples of negative core beliefs are “I’m not good enough” or “I’m a failure.” You might know that’s not true rationally, but when your behaviors don’t match that, it means you believe it in your heart).

Your beliefs stem from the thoughts you are feeding. The thoughts that gain weight by the constant feeding become your belief. If you decide that belief is not productive for you, it’s time to look for alternative (and more positive) thoughts. This won’t come easily. The first step is to be open and willing to change your view. Remember you’ve been thinking this way your entire life, so you have lots of practice at taking this negative perspective. It may not feel comfortable, but it is familiar, and we gravitate toward familiar. You won’t believe those more positive thoughts at first, but if you continue to fine-tune that new picture you’re painting of yourself or of the situation, you’ll begin to see evidence that there is a kernel of truth to them.

How you see yourself is paramount here. If you see yourself as someone who doesn’t deserve to be happy, or who can’t be thinner, or whatever it is you want for yourself, you’ll be looking for motivation from the outside to help you change, rather than inspiration from within. (Sometimes, these thoughts might be wrapped in trauma that you may or may not remember. That doesn’t necessarily mean a history of abuse or other experiences we often consider traumatic. Sometimes repeated messages from parents, schoolmates or siblings unconsciously translate into a belief that you’re not enough can become engrained into your physiological and psychological system, in the same way, surviving a horrific fire or earthquake does. (Keep in mind that your family and friends may not have intended to hurt you with these messages, but a child’s mind hangs onto these messages as if they are responsible for their irrational words and actions of their loved ones. At any rate, if you recognize this might be the case for you, you might need to address it with a therapist before you can move forward).

But I’ve seen instances where a client has begun to change based on self-concept. I can recall clients – who had been deep into drugs and alcohol – begin to make subtle changes in their appearance (a new haircut, more professional clothing, etc). About the same time, I noticed they were making more self-compassionate comments, and I could see a marked difference in how seriously they viewed their recovery process from that point on. When I talked to them about what had changed, they all said something similar: they just no longer saw themselves as *the type of person* who would behave in the way they had previously. It just didn’t fit them anymore.

Eventually, the external and internal process can work together. Once that gradual internal concept begins to change, external triggers can be helpful to keep the momentum going. Look for places to get more positive input. I listen to audiobooks, podcasts, and music that inspires me. I do it daily. Although I’m a pretty positive person who is grateful for the life I lead and the people in my life, I do have negative things happen – so I listen to inspirational input that reminds me to stay in the moment and be mindful – and to be in gratitude for how far I’ve come. It HAS to be consistent!

For me, it works well to listen to my iPod while I’m working out or walking. Then I meditate afterward to connect with my higher self and to center myself. Sometimes, I use a mantra to focus on an issue or relationship I need to work on. On days when I can’t do either or both of these, I make a concerted effort to stay in the moment and practice gratitude for every little thing that happens. I also do short stopping mediations throughout the day where I set an alarm, and when it goes off, I stop what I’m doing, and sit quietly for 1-5 minutes and put my awareness on my body or something besides the thoughts racing in my head. Then I go back to what was doing.

But you don’t have to do it my way. Just look for ways you can feed your mind with whatever inspires you. It doesn’t have to be about a change you’re trying to make, but just something that is positive & makes you feel good – funny videos on YouTube or TV or reading the Bible or a meditation book. Whatever you choose, you do need to do it consistently and often. (I can’t say the word *consistent* enough)! The more you immerse yourself in the positive or the new perspective you’re wanting to take the more it will sink in.

Most importantly, don’t be so self-critical when you fall off the wagon & forget to feed yourself those positive thoughts and feelings. That’s going to happen! It’s an expected part of any process of change. Just start back on your new routine at the next opportunity. Get out of your head, quit feeding those negative thoughts, and pat yourself on the back for being ready for the next step.

As you get older you will understand more and more that it’s not about what you look like or what you own. It’s all about the person you’ve become.


Honor and Memorial Day

Honor is not a word that we hear much these days.  With all that is going on in the news, most of the stories we hear produce feelings that are opposite of honor – disgrace, dishonor, disrespect, embarrassment, humiliation. . .

But because it is Memorial Day Weekend, I want to switch my attention to those who I believe define the word *honor*. I would hope others who are in a position to represent us might take notice and learn from these people.

Memorial Day was originally designated as a day of remembrance for those who have died in service for the United States. Regardless of what we believe about war and politics, for most of us, it’s still a reminder for us to recognize and appreciate those who have lost their lives in the armed forces, as well as to thank those still living who are or have served in some capacity. All of them, including their family members, have sacrificed so that the rest of us can enjoy the lifestyle to which we are accustomed. So I take this opportunity to say THANK YOU to all who have given their energy and lives to protect us.

They fought, not because they loved war, but to preserve the culture that represents the values we stand for.  They fought and continue to fight to protect those beliefs each of us hold.  They truly define the word service – honorable, selfless and possessing a quiet strength that has no need to be boastful. That’s real power.

This is the legacy left by those who have gone on and maintained by those still working to protect these values: the respect for human dignity.

Let each of us endeavor to grow and maintain our own honor and personal power in the same way, regardless of what we witness elsewhere.  Let us not fight against anything, but FOR the integrity and honor of each person who lives on this earth; not because others determine they deserve it, but because it is their right.



The Least of These . . .

Because I’m a therapist, I try to keep the focus of my blogs on our individual reactions to what we find ourselves immersed in daily, and trying to make sense of it at the individual, average citizen level. All most of us want is to be enabled to continue our lives in the manner to which we have become accustomed, as citizens of a free country with justice for each of us.

This blog may feel like I’m going off on another little tangent, as I’m led to do from time to time, but I promise to bring it back to the individual.

The fact that our country was founded on the backs of immigrants, and has always been seen as a “melting pot” is something that has always made me proud. But the way many people are being treated now – immigrants, women, and people of ethnicities and lifestyles that differ from the straight, white men who have been in power for so long – has pulled me back to the level of trying to make sense of something that makes no sense at my core.

Just this morning, one of my friends posted an encounter she witnessed with a man verbally abusing a family because they looked different from him. They were just trying to have a nice breakfast. They did nothing to provoke his outrage. And from the sounds of things, even though they were shaken, as she described the event, they remained calm, quiet and composed. I am so grateful that my friend and some others stepped up to intervene, and then contacted the police so this man would be in the system and there would be a record of the incident. And so the family would know they mattered (to quote my friend). They told her they were US citizens, but that should not have mattered. They are human beings, and as such, deserve respect.

Although I grew up in a very sheltered environment, where I saw little to no diversity; as an adult, I’ve been honored to have been allowed the opportunity to vicariously experience institutional bias through friends and clients. Often the bias is very obvious, like the story above, but the most damaging is the covert – those things buried in bureaucracy – such as the implied belief that people who were born in another country, or who are on some form of financial or medical assistance are “less-than” the rest of us. (I don’t have the exact numbers at my disposal right now, but I heard a report just yesterday that some 40+% of US families are struggling to just pay their very basic bills. Over 40%!! in America!). I have worked with addicts, mentally ill, homeless, single moms, prison inmates, parolees, gay, lesbian, straight, transgender, black, white, Hispanic, Japanese, Indian, Native American, and the disabled. Sure, there are always those few who work the system. But my experience with all of the above, as I looked into their eyes and heard their stories, was that I eventually saw myself. As I said at the outset of this blog, all they want is what we want – the ability to continue their lives in the best way they can as free and equal human beings.

So as I hear stories such as the one above, and see all the ranting on TV and social media, I can’t help but remember one client I saw a few years ago when I was offering pro bono therapy at the LikeMe Lighthouse in downtown KC. I’m sharing a blog I wrote at the time only to help anyone who might not fully understand why this issue is SO important to many people you’ll never meet; and why it is incumbent upon those of us who have a little more privilege to be there for those who can’t help themselves at the moment.


The other day a new client came in who has liver disease. He had 1 tooth, reeked of alcohol, and reported that he had no friends – that people seemed to be “intimidated” by him. He had a very negative outlook on life, and I found myself thinking – “What’s the use? How can I help someone like him? He doesn’t seem to want to help himself!”

Yet, there he was. Sitting in my office asking for help. He has no clue at this point what that might entail, but neither do most of us at the beginning stages of change. I realized I was judging him without really knowing what he had come from. So I listened and I sent him loving thoughts.

I’m not a Christian Counselor, and I never quote the Bible. But I have to admit that a verse from Matthew came to mind as I listened to him spell out his problems: “. . . whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.”

As we talked, I discovered a man who had once excelled in a sport at the national level and successfully owned his own business for years. Yes, he has a lot of negative core beliefs, but I’ve yet to meet anyone who doesn’t have at least a few! And he’s engulfed in a system of social security and healthcare that seems to make it most difficult for those who need help the most. My own experience of just trying to get a child on Medicaid several years ago was enough to drive me to drink! And I had connections that many people don’t.

So as I sat there I had to ask myself: Who am I to be judge and jury? I have to practice what I preach. I believe we all come from the same spirit and are just different parts of the whole (like individual leaves on a tree). So if I disrespect him, I disrespect part of myself.

I also believe the reason we are here on earth is to be of service to others as we each learn the lessons we need in order to become closer to enlightenment. So in retrospect, it’s clear to me this man was a messenger for me – and I received the message. Even though he’s coming to me for help, he’s probably already given me more than I could ever give him.

No one has ever become poor by giving.

-The Diary of Anne Frank

Mother’s Day

Among all the other things that are grabbing our attention this week, we need to take a little time out to honor all mothers – along with other women, and even some fathers who are in the position of primary nurturer of children. And let’s not leave out those of us who have already raised our children into adulthood. Mothers are arguably the most important people in the world, because of the influence we have on future adults who are now or will be running things.

But when I was a young mother, more often than not, I found myself dreading Mother’s Day. At the time, I was confused why this was the case, but I now realize it was because I didn’t feel I deserved to be “honored.” I was only 19 when my daughter was born, and 23 when I gave birth to my son. I had no idea what I was doing, so why should I be singled out to be appreciated? I felt pressure to be the kind of mother I thought society expected of me – to do everything the “right way.”

I’m now WELL past my 20’s. Actually, I’m on the downhill slide of my 60’s! And I’ve had a lot of opportunities to examine some of those early feelings, and to work on myself. I know now, that many moms feel the same way I did (maybe not about Mother’s Day, but about being a “good” mom), regardless of how old they are. There’s no class to teach us how to be a mother. We all just figured it out from watching our own mothers and other matriarchs; some of us read books and maybe even went to therapy to try to understand what we were “supposed to do.”

What I’ve come to realize (at least for me), is that there are no “supposed to’s”. Much like my spiritual beliefs, If my thoughts and actions come from a place of love, then I’m probably doing “the right thing” at that moment.

But all moms also know that we don’t always act out of love. The demands of the job are overwhelming and we can lose our sense of self with all the hats we have to wear. I won’t try to list all the things we do as moms because I’ll surely leave many out. But to name a few: we’re managers, coaches, teachers, spiritual leaders, huggers, secretaries, therapists, mediators, schedulers, cooks, taxi drivers, house cleaners, nurses . . .

While we put much of the pressure on ourselves, there really is always WAY too much to do. I’m a list maker; and while I’m much better now about not beating myself up if everything on my list doesn’t get done, I still put that pressure on myself at times. But one day I had an “Ah ha” moment. I realized that when I make my transition to the other side, there very likely will NOT be someone standing there with a clipboard containing a list of all the tasks I didn’t get done today or any other day. It’s a good way to remind myself that it’s not the end of the world if I don’t meet my own expectations. And that maybe I need to rethink those expectations anyway.

I’ve also allowed myself to recognize that I have been a pretty darn good mom much of the time. I’m not what I used to call “Nancy Homemaker;” definitely was not a helicopter parent, don’t even like to cook much anymore. But I was always there when my kids needed to talk (I learned that if I didn’t nag them to tell me everything right away, they knew I would be there when they were ready and that they could say anything without fearing my judgment, and trust that I would help them work out their own way to handle their situation). I drove them to and attended all their performances and games (even coached a few), & helped them hone their baseball, basketball and softball, drill team skills and their musical and artistic talents. Yeah, I screwed up some times, but I’ve learned to give myself permission to be the mom I am.

I’m paraphrasing here, but we have all heard that quote about what people say on their deathbeds: It’s not “I wish I would have spent more time at work.” Rather, they say “I wish I had spent more time showing my family how much I love them.” As a mom, that needs to be our #1 goal: to show our kids how much they mean to us, and how proud we are of the individuals they ARE; not to put expectations on them that may not even be what they want for themselves. We don’t have to live their lives, they do.

I’m going to leave you with this post from Sanaya that says what I think all moms (and the rest of you) probably need to hear:

There is time to get it all done. It is you who thinks that you must do it all in a certain period of time. And what does this do to you? It knocks you off balance. It lessens your awareness of who you are and why you are here. It causes you to lose your focus on what really matters. And what really matters? Being present. Being the presence of love. Loving. There is time for all else, in good time. If your “to do” list and your anxious thoughts take you away from presence and being and loving, then it is time to re-prioritize.

Happy Mother’s Day to all the moms, aunts, sisters, dads, uncles and anybody else who deserves that title. We have to be there for our kids. We must inspire the change we want to see in the world. That means allowing space for some imperfections (in ourselves and in them), but also championing the uniqueness of each of them.


Ways to Make Space in Our Lives

Do some days feel chaotic and out-of-control, regardless of what you do? Welcome to life on earth. I have more of those days than I like to admit. What I’ve learned about those days is that we’re supposed to have them – not all the time, but as I said – that’s life. No one is calm, peaceful and happy all the time, and we’re not meant to be.

I can’t say enough for making space in our lives, especially on those days when we’re running behind and the last thing we can afford to do is stop and smell those stupid roses! But the reality is that’s when we need space most.

We all know how good it feels to clear out some clutter in our surroundings. Studies have shown that a clear environment enhances clarity in the mind. The same concept applies to clearing the clutter from the top down as well. We all have way too much intellectual violence going on in our heads all the time. It keeps us in turmoil and contributes to those impulsive decisions we regret almost as soon as we make them. When we can clean even some of that out, it can feel like we have more space to just live life.

Here are just a few suggestions for how YOU can slow your life down & make space:

-Shut off all the technology around you (cell phone, home phone, TV, radio, computer, iPod, etc) for 5-10 minutes several times a week.

-Meditation – Don’t say “I’ve tried. I can’t stop the thoughts!” That’s not what meditation is about. We need to approach it without expectation of what it’s supposed to be. If you just sit quietly and close your eyes for 5 minutes, your blood pressure and heart rate lowers, and you feel calmer. Meditation is about taking your focus OFF the thoughts and putting it somewhere else. (In other words, don’t jump on the thought train and ride all the way past the next station. When you notice that you’ve hopped on, just hop off and let the train go on by – no judgement, no beating yourself up or screaming that you’ll never be able to do this!)  Often people focus on their bodies or breath while meditating, but everyone needs to find the right way for them to meditate. There are many kinds of meditation and many apps that are helpful. My current favorite is Headspace because it teaches you how to meditate with its basic packs. Most meditations can vary between 10 to 20 or 30 minutes – you choose. Once you’ve gotten the hang of it, there are also packs for many other issues – such as productivity, grief, sleep, managing anxiety, stress, gratitude. . . It also has packs for kids and “mini” meditations of 1-3 minutes for those moments when you need to just back off for a minute!

-Mindfulness exercises (very similar to meditation) – looking outside at trees, flowers, nature – not judging them, but just being with them.

-Be conscious of being in the moment, rather than mindlessly going through the motions of everyday, mundane activities (washing dishes, driving to work, etc) while you’re thinking of all the other tasks you think you have to accomplish. This also helps when you’re dealing with physical or emotional pain. Instead of catastrophizing and telling yourself — this is always going to be this way or maybe even worse!! — or mounting the pity pot and reminiscing about how you used to never have this pain, why can’t it still be that way? — just pull yourself back to right now – this moment.  (I tell myself, “This is what I have before me at this moment, so this is all I can manage for now. I’ll deal with tomorrow when it gets here, and I can’t unfeel what happened yesterday, so I’ll just stick with this for now”).

-Keep something you find beautiful at your desk or workspace (a stone, flower, painting, etc), and stop for a moment while you’re intensely working on something to just “be” with it. Pick it up and feel all it’s properties: the texture, weight, warmth or coolness – with curiosity. Again, this gets you out of your head.

-Ground yourself in your present surroundings. If you’re sitting on a chair/couch lightly rub your hands on the fabric to feel the texture. Notice the solid ground supporting you as you sit or stand or walk. Again, this is just another way of bringing yourself back to the moment to find a sense of calm.

-Look at pictures of your loved ones and allow yourself to actually feel that love you have for them in your body for just a moment.

-Light a candle and just watch the flame for a couple of minutes. Just notice it, without any judgment or label.

-This one might sound a little crazy, but Earthing refers to direct skin contact with the surface of the Earth, such as with bare feet or hands. There have been studies in recent years showinng that walking barefoot on the earth enhances health and provides feelings of well-being.  It appears to improve sleep, normalize the day–night cortisol rhythm, reduce pain, reduce stress, shift the autonomic nervous system from sympathetic toward parasympathetic activation, increase heart rate variability, speed wound healing, and help thin blood.

-Just stop working and HAVE FUN once in a while! We’re all under so much stress these days that we forget we still need that balance that a little fun provides.

ALL of these suggestions are just different forms of mindfulness.  I sometimes set an alarm on my phone to go off every hour or two on days I know are going to be stressful, and when I hear the alarm, I stop what I’m doing and take a minute to focus elsewhere, using one of the methods above. (This is called Stopping Meditation. By the end of a day, I sometimes have meditated more this way than in my daily morning meditation). We need to remain conscious of where we are in the moment as much as possible. Otherwise, we lose so much of our lives by living in that scary neighborhood in our heads.

I’m not going to tell you what – or how to do it – that’s up to you & what works in your life. I just want to encourage you to consider finding a way to slow your life down. When you do, you’ll find that you make better decisions for yourself and you’ll have moments of that ever-elusive peace!

Serenity is not peace FROM the storm, it’s peace WITHIN the storm.